- ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION
- You'll be making under an hour.
- ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY
- You'll be making under an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
- AN UP-AND COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY
- We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no way in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
- PROFIT-SHARING PLAN
- Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
- COMPETITIVE SALARY
- We remain competitive by paying slightly less than our competitors.
- JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY
- We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.
- NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER
- Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
- IMMEDIATE OPENING
- The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
- SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER
- We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
- SELF-MOTIVATED
- Management won't answer questions.
- WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS
- After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a deductible and a co-pay.
- PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS
- After three years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
- SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING PEOPLE
- . . . who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
- CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE
- We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
- COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT
- We have a lot of turnover.
- EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT
- Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
- JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM
- We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
- FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT
- Your co-workers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.
- A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT
- We booze it up at company parties.
- MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED
- You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
- SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED
- If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
- SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED
- Some time each night and some time each weekend.
- SALARY RANGE K-K
- We'll offer you K to start.
- A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION
- You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
- FLEXIBLE HOURS
- Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
- DUTIES WILL VARY
- Anyone in the office can boss you around.
- WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED
- Those who missed the last round of lay-offs, that is.
- MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL
- We have no quality control.
- COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED
- Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Religion.
- CAREER-MINDED
- Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
- APPLY IN PERSON
- If you're old, fat, or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
- NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE
- We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
- SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE
- You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
- PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST
- You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
- REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS
- You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
- GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
- Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
- ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD
- You whine, you're fired.
- ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY
- We loooooove brown nosers.
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